Time to Lay It Down

Wild Geese | Mary Oliver
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting–
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

Junah returns from the war (WWI), hailed as a war hero, but traumatized by a battle that he alone survived. He heard the screams and watched as his friends were killed around him. He does not feel like a hero. He abandons his wife, Adele. He lives alone and drinks heavily. PTSD leads Junah to numb the pain, avoid questions, and avoid relationships. All he wants to do is shut down. To stop.

The Great Depression has wreaked havoc on Savannah’s economy. Adele’s father was one of the richest men in the town, but he committed suicide. Adele plans a golf tournament to bring in revenue for the community. The local draw will be Junah competing against the two biggest names in golf, Walter Hagen and Bobby Jones. Junah, though a talented golfer before the war, is in no condition to be a hero on the battlefield or the golf course. One night, Junah is out hacking at golf balls in preparation for this event. Bagger Vance emerges out of the shadows, approaches Junah, and begins talking with him. He eventually gets Junah to settle down, to forget about “all that ever was and all that ever will be”, and find his swing that is in this moment. “The Junah you was, you ain’t ever going to be again. Best go on and let it go.” Stuck in the past, lost in the present, terrified of the future, Junah has no idea what to do anymore.

When Junah walked into the woods, crushed and afraid, what did he expect to find? In the woods, he knew he was going to find much more than the ball. The war was in there, and the cries of comrades he was powerless to help. Guilt of surviving their slaughter haunted him in those woods. The ball was there, as was the burden of everyone he ever disappointed, nestled on the leaves of the forest floor. Junah was lost in the woods of “wouldas, couldas, and shouldas.” The panic from these ghosts strangled him .

Being a hero, a savior, is a tremendous role that places the burden of what is, what was, and what will be, squarely on your shoulders. The townspeople looked to Junah to rescue Savannah. During the opening round, Junah struggled, and some began to question Bagger about his strategy. “He thinks he’s Rannulph Junah,” replied Bagger. Agitated, they said he is Rannulph Junah! Bagger looked back at them and said, “Well, he is and he ain’t.” Lost in the wouldas, couldas, and shouldas, Junah lost himself. He lost everything he ever loved and enjoyed.

I can’t do this

Yep... Inside each and every one of us is one true authentic swing... Somethin' we was born with... Somethin' that's ours and ours alone... Somethin' that can't be taught to ya or learned... Somethin' that’s got to be remembered... Over time, the world can rob us of that swing... It gets buried inside us under all our wouldas and couldas and shouldas... Some folk even forget what their swing was like...

Bagger Vance in the Legend of Bagger of Vance

The golf match transforms Junah as he realizes his need to listen to Bagger. His swing improves under Bagger’s tutelage.  Suddenly, winning this hopeless match is possible. As his confidence grows, his pride gets in the way. His chances of winning begin to slip away, and all of the doubt and pressures surge into his being. He cannot run. He cannot drink it away. Alone, in the wilderness, he must confront it. Fear and terror overwhelm him. Will he ever be ok again?

This is where ineluctable questions demand answers. He has run for a long time. Expectations and regret choke him. He cannot escape the truth now. Trembling, alone in the shadows, he must address the ball and the questions. “I can’t do this.” Do what? Live under the burden of all the pain he has seen, the pain he has caused, and the expectations to be more than he is. He cannot fix all that is wrong.

Neither can I. I cannot do this. I cannot undue all the pain I have witnessed, nor all the pain I have caused. Religion’s menu of wouldas, shouldas, and couldas offers answers unquestioned, but its solutions are no different than drinking or running away. They isolate, insulate, or inculcate. I enter the shadows, the woods, alone and the answers are not in there- only painful and inescapable remembrances. Must I always enter these woods alone and powerless?

Bagger walks into the canopied forest. Junah does not listen to Bagger as a mere caddy here. He sees him as much more. When he says “it was just a moment ago”, Junah now recalls these very words from Adele. All these events swirling around us and shifting our winds, they are not bound by time. There is something mysterious and wonderful about Bagger. Bagger is his helper and his strength. He will show Junah how to expel the demons, quiet the storms, heal the brokenness, dispel fear, and begin to trust. Junah did not need answers, he needed guidance; he needed a friend with the wisdom and compassion to allow room for struggle and growth. He needs someone to remind him who he is.

What does Junah want from Bagger? He wants Bagger to help him, heal him, restore him, give his life back to him. He wants the pain and failure to stop, but he doesn’t know how. His life has been smothered in burdens. He has fought and competed and he cannot win. Every angle is another loss. But Bagger has something figured out. Like the wind, he comes from somewhere unknown and leaves just as mysteriously. He seems connected to nature and able to read people, elevate people. His way is at ease, he is unhurried, and the dictates of others do not concern him. He is concerned only with seeing Junah become who he was meant to be. He is masterful, yet comes as a servant.

I look to Jesus in a similar way. The burdens of this broken world hurt. What are the burdens of humanity and what are we to make of them? Do rules remove the burden- more religion? If I just do the right wouldas, couldas, and shouldas, will I be whole again? Jesus did not think so. Jesus is the Logos (the wisdom of things), the Light (linked with truth and mercy in John), and Life. He was there from the beginning, like Lady Wisdom in Proverbs, like the Holy Spirit in Genesis 1. As the Light, He draws people out of darkness and shadows by offering them Mercy and Truth. The grip of death is broken and the Life He gave us in the beginning is His Life- we remember and joy returns. Jesus says I am right here with you. Time to lay it down. I have been here all along. Time to step out of the shadows. Time to become what you were made to be.

Bagger Vance: What I'm talkin about is a game... A game that can't be won only played...

Rannulph Junah : You don't understand...

 Bagger Vance: I don't need to understand... Ain't a soul on this entire earth ain't got a burden to carry he don't understand, you ain't alone in that... But you been carryin' this one long enough... Time to go on... lay it down...

Rannulph Junah: I don't know how...

Bagger Vance: You got a choice... You can stop... Or you can start...

Rannulph Junah: Start?

Bagger Vance: Walkin...

Rannulph Junah: Where?

Bagger Vance: Right back to where you always been... and then stand there... Still... real still... And remember...

Rannulph Junah: It's too long ago...

Bagger Vance: Oh no sir it was just a moment ago... Time for you to come on out the shadows Junuh... Time for you to choose...

Rannulph Junah: I can't...

Bagger Vance: Yes you can... but you ain't alone... I"m right here with ya... I've been here all along... Now play the game... Your game... The one that only you was meant to play... Then one that was given to you when you come into this world... You ready?... Stike that ball Junuh don't hold nothin back give it everything... Now's the time... Let yourself remember... Remember YOUR swing... That's right Junuh, settle yourself... Let's go... Now is the time, Junuh...

The Legend of Bagger Vance

Time to choose

Junah had to choose. He was bombarded with questions, but only Bagger asked the questions that led him to freedom. Time to choose, will you start or stop? Will I listen to the One that has always been there and just rest, breathing with the rhythm of the earth and the sky around me? Will I walk back to the beginning, before the world shackled me with its wouldas, couldas, and shouldas? Will I remember my place among the family of things? Will I hear Jesus with me, always here, since the time I entered this world, and here now, whispering to me- lay the burden down, follow Me; you have to choose? Will I lay down my life of expectations only to find that Life has been waiting for me all along.

In the Gospel of John, Jesus goes to Bethany, near Jerusalem, in order to attend to Lazarus. The religious leaders in that area seek to kill Him. He knows that. He knows the wickedness and pain that grips His world. He goes to the tomb anyway. He rolls away the stone. Lazarus comes out of the grave, laying aside His grave clothes and putting on clothes of life. Shortly after this, Jesus is at Passover and lays down His rabbinical garments to don the attire of a slave, a servant. He gave up the seat of honor and took the position of the slave because He loved them so. He then says, love each other this way. Jesus then tells them the world will know you are listening to Me because it will notice how you love one another. I will be with you. Lay down your life- your power, position, possessions, privileges, and pleasures (Mammon) for the benefit of the other. These are the burdens you carry. Let them go. Your grip on these things is too tight. Loosen your grip on these and they will loosen their grip on you. The Helper with be with you to teach you and help you remember who I made you to be. I will go away, but you will have a choice- start or stop. Start by hearing Me and listening to My words, watch what I do in this world, and love as I have loved. Walk back to the beginning, where we began. Just rest, and the Helper will lead you out of the shadows, out of the realm of terrors, out of the chaos and purposelessness that tightens its grip on us. Through the mass of tendrilled obstacles, a way will appear,

The Gospel of Mark is a book of questions. What is that you came into the wilderness to see? (What are you looking for?) Who do others say I am? Who do you say I am? What do you want Me to do for you? This last question, Jesus asked of James and John as they were arguing. They were asking for life as they knew it with power, position, and privilege. They wanted Jesus to be king, but like all the other kings (just as Israel did in selecting Saul). Then, Jesus asked the same question of Bartimaeus when he cried out as Jesus walked by him. Bartimaeus asked for Mercy. He asked for Light . He wanted the Life Jesus offered. Bartimaues would be delivered from darkness and into Light. James and John remained in the woods, still unable to see the revelation of not just who Jesus was, but the nature of this king and kingdom.

I can’t lay the burden down on my own. I don’t know how. Jesus speaks His words, shows His work of Mercy, and the magnitude of His Love. The burdens that make up my life, die as I give up everything else that this world calls a life- power, position, privilege, possessions, and (selfish) pleasure. No longer wrapped in these grave clothes, I am now wrapped in the clothes of Jesus- a foot washer. These things I leave in the grave, in the darkness and shadows. Walking out of the the tomb, I walk with Jesus into the Kingdom of heaven here on earth. Created to be like the Son of Man from the beginning, He reminds me who I am. I have a place in the family of all things, joined in the Life of the Creator of all things.

In Mark, Jesus was “driven by the Spirit” into the wilderness and “moved with compassion.” In Hebrew, the word for compassion, part of God’s identity in Exodus 34, is related to the word for womb. There is a nurturing love that gathers, nourishes, and protects. But the womb is a dark place. Yet, from this dark place, Life begins. To receive it, you have to be delivered into the Light, into Life, and take your place in the Logos of all tings. Jesus compares the kingdom to seed planted in four types of soil. Soil is another dark place. The seed is buried in the earth’s womb, but grows roots that find food, water, and Life. The seed then transforms as its heliotropic nature is drawn into the Light. Compassion is the way of things. It is the root, the seed-bed of righteousness, justice, and mercy. Jesus, the Psalmists, and later Paul, refer to the birth pangs of this world eager to deliver New Creation.

In the meantime, I must address what lies before me. The way out of the tangled limbs seems impossible. The anger and misery of all the violence, of all the broken relationships, of all the abuse, of all the those humiliated by poverty or illness, whirl around me as I tighten my grip. I am ready to break something and quit it all. The church as I have known it, no longer reminds me of this Jesus. It tightly grips everything but Jesus. They do not talk about Him or His words, His ways, or the call to love in the same manner He loved. It does not cry for mercy; it argues for power, privilege, and position. The vulnerable and oppressed still seek justice. The sick must choose between financial ruin or bodily ruin. Communities do not belong to one another, but compete with one another for scarce resources and respect. Lies and slander devour communities. The churches do not stand there alongside the suffering, calling them to the Light, Life, and Logos. The churches call them to conformity of wouldas, couldas, and shouldas. They demand the acceptance of their tightly gripped answers and spurn questions that demand more. It enters the room as one of high position, and asks you to wash its feet. What if the church did not cling to Mammon? What if it promoted humility, right relationships in words and actions, and justice that restored all people to an original, organic, equal, and relaxed existence? What if the church did not escalate the tension, but eased it? All the while, Jesus whispers to us. Life is a game that cannot be won. You are here to be who you are- that is enough. Lay down everything else that calls itself life. Let it go. Start. Nature knows this is true. Listen. Loosen your grip, stop clinging so tightly- to answers, to expectations, to Mammon, to religion, to wouldas, shouldas, and couldas. There is One that is with us that has been with us from the beginning. Love Him with all your heart, all your soul, and all your me’od (“muchness)- give it all you’ve got. From this place, we can love ourselves and others. We cling to nothing. We reflect the good and generous nature of the Logos. From this type of swing, we can walk through piercing, jutting branches and thorns into the open field, playing the game we where meant to play, the way it was meant to be played.

“I would rather have questions that can't be answered than answers that can't be questioned.”

― Dr. Richard Feynman (disputed)

“Incipit exire qui incipit amare.”

-St Augustine

Roughly paraphrased, “ as soon as we start loving, we start leaving the house of slavery.”